Austin Keenan's blog

Wait a minute. You're not the REAL Colonel Sanders!

How could you go to Kentucky and not at least have ONE piece of fried chicken just for kicks? When all you can find is a shitty food court KFC that only has an express menu, that's how.

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You are not interesting, LAC studies

I rest my case.

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not my friend on Pandora Radio, but you damn well should be.

If you think you're too good for my QuickMix, you've got another thing coming.  I actually have an emotional relationship with my Pandora Radio, as in every time I use it I become elated at how awesome my musical tastes are.  You will definitely agree.

There's too many stations in too many genres for me to list them here, but seriously, let's connect and share shit.  I might have the best taste in music in the entire world, but I certainly don't remember everything I should have on here.

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not in control fo Catan Island. I am!

I got ya bricks. I got ya wood. I got ya ore. I got the longest road. I got the cities. You got tears in your eyes.

I tried to play nice, but when you all refused to trade me wood, I had to break out the Monopoly card and take it from you all.

Okay, i'm done. If any of you guys out there play this game, let's rock! This was my first experience with The Settlers of Catan and it was quite fun, indeed.

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

There's nothing charming about the way John Mayer behaves.

Before I say anything, I want to share with you a quote I got from Gawker this morning:

"I am the new generation of masturbator," says John Mayer in Rolling Stone, for which he posed shirtless.  "I've seen it all. Before I make coffee, I've seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week... I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off." That last part is pretty astute. On breaking up with Jennifer Aniston: "I've never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life." - John Mayer

This is a guy who gets drunk in public and goes on rants about politics as if he was a founding father.  This is a guy who tweets about Jennifer Aniston to the point where she had to break up with him, and then he would like us to believe it's as if he's the one who's being victimized.  Now, finally, this is a guy who goes to Rolling Stone and creepily details how much masturbating he needs to do in order to get through the day.

I don't think you can even make fun of this guy.  He has humiliated himself to the point of no return.  Oh, and for all of you out there that think his music is his saving grace, get real.  He sounds like he's high as shit all the time, and sucks on guitar.  Rock is dead.  Fuck John Mayer and his stupidity.  Gross.

(pic via TenGossip.com)

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not allowed to show people your pictures from Disneyland anymore.

...especially if they look like this!  Look at the young one in the middle.  It looks like someone "Mickeyed her mouse" if you get my drift.  Papa-bear looks like a downright sex offender, and mom has probably got enough Pixie Dust in her to take out Dumbo.

But seriously, folks, Disney is now saying they have a right to go after people who post pictures of their vacations to Disneyland.  There's protection of intellectual property and then there's just plain being mean.  What would be better than saying you treat everything on a "case by case" basis is letting people know when they get to Disneyland that they need to look like they're having an ecstasy high the whole time, or else Disney will be forced to "protect" its intellectual property as well as their public image.

If Disney wanted to protect its public image, it'd put an end to animators putting subliminal sexual references into just about every animated Disney movie ever.  Then they might want to publicly address the allegations that Walt was a fierce anti-semite and stop suing people that have already given them money for vacation time.

Things you are not: in Disneyland on vacation, putting pictures of Epcot Center on Facebook, seriously wearing Mickey's face on your breasts (?)

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You're not going to be having any other conversations other than Lost for a long time.

Final Season Of 'Lost' Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than Ever

To be fair, I don't have any disdain for this show.  In fact, I've only watched two complete episodes (the very first one and last season's finale), so it would be hard for me to make a judgement.  I've watched some bits and pieces of the show on ABC.com, but the show just never hooked me like it has some of my friends.

The funny thing about this video from The Onion is that people who watch Lost probably don't realize that this is what it's like for the rest of us.  Even if you know the entire story start to finish from listening to your friends babblng on and on about it, there's still this uncomprehendable disconnection between those who have watched the show obsessively, and those who are more casual about it.

One of my Lost loving friends told me that you "cannot appreciate the show if you haven't watched the whole thing."  I tend to disagree.  I think the story is cool, and I've even picked out which characters I like more than others.  Another friend told me that people get aggressive when it comes to Lost, which is something I cannot understand at all.  Is the show amd the time you spent watching it worth any less because there are people who can talk moderately about the show without being "sucked in"?

I'm sure a lot of you out there love this show, and I'm happy for you.  I just hope that you don't gnash your teeth every time someone says that it's just "okay" instead of "OMG PHENOMENAL I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT JUST HAPPENED".  Leave any comments you want, but let's keep it civil, folks.

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

You didn't help Robert Downey Jr. win his Golden Globe. He helped you.

This speech is the greatest thing I've ever seen.  Forget about everyone patting each other on the back in Hollywood.  When it comes to the international stage of self-congratulation, Robert Downey Jr. bears his cynical teeth and lets everyone have it.

The best part of this whole thing is his flawless delivery.  Without so much as even batting an eye, RDJ criticizes the whole industry for the self-serving practice of award shows, and how full of shit they are.

Keep at it, RDJ.  You've never let us down before, and you don't seem to be showing any signs of starting new bad habits.  Bravo.

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

Jennifer Love Hewitt's chrystal encrusted clam is not sexy.

She's a beautiful girl, but let's be serious.  This "vagazzling" thing is really a bit much, even for a girl who has dated as many guys as she has. 

"It looks like a disco ball down there." 

Really.  And somehow you think this is cute and/or sexy?  The last thing any guy wants to think about is making it with a hot chick only to be confronted with a diamond chainsaw grinding up their "precious little gentleman".

How have you not opened yourself up for "annoying" attention while talking about how crusty your vagina is?  Oh, I'm sorry, "encrusted".  Like there's a difference.  If you need to smash rocks into your lady bits to get some kind of sensation, you probably have ruined yourself already.

As a disclaimer, I want to make it perfectly clear that this type of conversation is a blatant attempt at resurrecting a dying career.  Whether or not JLH has some kind of sexual disorder is not for me to assume.

Things you are not: sexy, cute, innocent, discreet

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

No matter how many times you say it, you're not very clear, Barack Obama.

I'm having a hard time understanding why The Washington Post decided it was of the utmost importance that we detail the fact that Barack Obama says, "Let me be clear," alot.  But, you know what?  It provides me with the perfect opportunity to contradict the president that I voted for who is blew it in the worst way possible this year.

Don't get me wrong.  I like the guy.  I voted for him.  But what in the hope/change/progress/bullshit was going on in 2009?  What actually got accomplished?  You can't say health care reform, because that's still a damn mess.  You can't really say creating jobs because the national rate is still double digits and the economy is still bleeding jobs.  You can't say Gitmo got closed because it just didn't.  You can't say troops are out of Iraq.  You can't say that Afghanistan is under control.  You can't say that Pakistan is under control.  You can't say that Iran is under control.  You can't say that North Korea is under control.  So, what can you say?

You can stand up and look yourself in the mirror and think of yourself as John F. Kennedy.  You can stand up in front of the entire country and talk some more about good intentions and united countries and bipartisan solutions, and you can punctuate it with, "Let me be clear."  But, seriously, Barack Obama, this is some boowooowoowooll-shit.  You pussied out of everything that got you elected.  You've got 3 more years to prove you're not a total waste, and then you're getting ousted by the first guy that comes along whether he's worthwhile or not.  Thanks for the ride.

Things you are not: JFK, clear at all, living up to promises, getting re-elected

from Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."